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Edinburgh Fringe! Terrible Old Crone Goodies! & Some Jokes! - 30th July 2021

Look At The Things I’ve Made I Made Them For You

Hello! I hope you’re all well and the chronic uncertainty of life isn’t crushing your spirits too much. This week I remembered that two of the best things art can be are Fun and Full of Wonder. So I’ll be trying to do that more, thank you very much.

This is a newsletter…

To tell you that I’m ACTUALLY performing at the Edinburgh Fringe
To tell you about the bespoke curses you can order from the Terrible Old Crone for a LIMITED TIME ONLY
To remind you about the EXISTENCE of the Sound Heap Podcast
And then to give you some RED HOT COMEDY CONTENT as a treat.

PERSONALISED CURSES FROM THE TERRIBLE OLD CRONE – only available until 6th August!
I put this one first as it is the most URGENT.

The Terrible Old Crone has a little spare time on her horrible hands, so she’s taking commissions for personalised, hand-made curses. Scrawled in crimson ink on old-looking paper and sealed with the Terrible Old Crone’s terrifying black wax stamp, these curses are the perfect gift for you or your loved ones. Just give her the name you want the curse made out to, and she’ll do the rest. Order yours here!

PREVIOUS EXAMPLE CURSES

May thy bum grow teeth and eat anything you try to sit on

May ye buy an album by Morrissey, and when you play it may ye discover it is not a recording of his music, but his opinions

May ye, every year, try, unsuccessfully to enter a little horse into crufts

It’s The Actual Edinburgh Fringe Next Week and I’m Doing It

I’m performing my brand new show “It Is Better” at the Monkey Barrel from the 5th to 11th August. This is the live version of the comedy album I made with John Chambers, and I love it. I describe it like this:

“John-Luke Roberts returns to the ashes of the Edinburgh Fringe with an absurdist catalogue of infinite possibilities, to be watched and laughed at, with a nice drink, while long-thought extinct beasts rampage through the streets outside.”

But that’s partly because I can’t really describe it. Buy tickets here.

I’m also corralling a bunch of comedians together for two Terrible Wonderful Adaptations at Assembly, on the 6th and 13th August.

Basically, I find an unadaptable text and then make excellent comedians try and adapt it for performance. Previous shows include Francis Fukuyama’s The End of History, The 1997 Lib Dem Manifesto, and a book of Mark Rothko’s Colour Field Paintings. Buy tickets Here.

Oh, AND there are two ACMSes on 5th and 12th August, at the Monkey Barrel, featuring a host of people mucking about. Buy Tickets Here!

But What If You’re A Person Who Is Not In Edinburgh

“Hang on,” you say “I can’t make it up to Edinburgh next week.” Well then, the good news is It Is Better is streaming online as part of Shedinburgh, on 17th August at 8.30 p.m. Buy tickets here!

PHEW

OK, what’s left? Sound Heap is bloody great, and you should listen to it. There are nine episodes up at the moment, and three left to go for this series.

SOUND HEAP

And finally, some cheery writing to help you comprehend your mortality:

Ways to Foster a Healthy Relationship with Death:
A Non-Hierarchical List (Ongoing)

Before flushing, hold a funeral for each bowel movement. Wear black, light candles, make a speech, invite guests.

Carry a portable speaker playing the ‘beep beep’ of a hospital heart monitor at all times.

Sit on your hand until it goes numb. Contemplate that hand.

Buy a number of pets with different life expectancies (e.g. from stick insect, through cat, through parrot, to turtle). This will help you maintain regular contact with loss throughout your life.

Find an electrical box with a “danger of death” sign on it. Practice empathising with the little picture of a person next to a little picture of a bolt of electricity.

For the next thirty minutes think “If I were dead, I wouldn’t be able to think that,” after every thought you think.

Imagine you are a person named Beth. Build a backstory for Beth, and live as Beth for increasing periods of time each week. Eat as Beth. Walk as Beth. Dream as Beth. Once you fully know what Beth is like, from the inside out, change the first letter to a ‘D.’ If you are already a person named Beth you can skip the first steps.

Put on a black and yellow striped sweater and look at a dead bee.

Feel your teeth with your tongue. Extrapolate.

Communicate with people by pointing at the letters on a ouija board.

Read More
John-Luke Roberts - Professionally Silly

Live Dates

See John-Luke on a stage, somewhere.
Find out where somewhere is, by clicking the button.

Shows I've Done

After Me Comes the Flood (But in French) drip splosh splash drip BLUBBP BLUBBP BLUBBPBLUBBPBLUBBP!! - John-Luke Roberts
All I Wanna do is [FX: GUNSHOTS] with a [FX: GUN RELOADING] and a [FX: CASH REGISTER] and Perform Some Comedy! - John-Luke Roberts
Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair (ALL IN CAPS.) - John-Luke Roberts
John-Luke Roberts Builds A Monster - John-Luke Roberts
Stdad Up - John-Luke Roberts
Stnad Up - John-Luke Roberts
Broken Stand Up - John-Luke Roberts
John-Luke Roberts Distracts You From A Murder - John-Luke Roberts

Videos

Here are some videos!

CLICK HERE FOR MORE

Look On My Works… Trailer - John-Luke Roberts
ACMS Blap 1 - John-Luke Roberts
ACMS Blap 2 - John-Luke Roberts
ACMS Blap 3 - John-Luke Roberts
ACMS Blap 4 - John-Luke Roberts
Chortle Fast Fringe 2018 - John-Luke Roberts

I’m the architect of my own demise. The best bit was building the little model of my demise and putting little plastic people round it (and one little plastic dog.)

@JLukeRoberts